he was angry. "Why did you go without my permission?" she whimpered in pain. He whipped her black and blue.."your last mistake", he threatened in a harsh whisper.
In the silence of the night, a horrifying scream, a gasp,a sigh..she lowered the blood stained axe with a firm whisper,"your LAST mistake!"
p.s: my first attempt at 55 fiction:) do drop in ya feedback!
P.s.s: for those who dont know bout 55 fiction its fiction limited to 55 words:)
44 comments:
she shudnt have come back in the first place..free
she did the right thing...
there are times when people reach edges and then, there is no return!
first of all try marne ke liye congrats... :)
i expected some twist, but then u made it a horror story ;)
anyways..next time come up with a solid punch gal.. ok?
cheers
mahesh
subercool..\m/
he was angry "Why did you go without my permission"?
He whipped her black and blue.."your last mistake", he threatened in a harsh whisper.
In the silence of the night, a horrifying scream, a gasp,a sigh..she pulled up the blood stained axe with a firm whisper,"!" "My last Resort" Forgive me sometime.
;) ehhe
@ soin: yeah exactly!!:) tolerate it for the first tym n u will have to tolerate it again n again...
@ rahul: yay!! someone seconds me!:))
@ mahesh: ahaha! first tym 55 fiction aur woh bhi horror! lol:p
next time i make it less gruesome:)) promise!!
infact i was thinkin of 55 non-fiction too..beeg learnings frm tiny incidents...
watsay?:)
@ sush: hehehehehe:p i told u itz ya types!! lolzz
the last resort...man! yeah gud one...! m tellin u...rejuvenate yr blog n be a specialist in 55 fiction\m/ :D
@ sojo: welcum to my blog:) thats a witty one liner! apt for the post:) thnkeww!!
kip visitin...:)
Seems A Horror series !! Is it? I don't know much about it !
nice try..must be damn difficult to write a 55 word fiction..(especially for sum1 who just loves to talk! :p)
Very Nice Attempt Divsi...
I loved the twist ..and it is only a word "she" in the 2nd para that has made it... :)
Keep Writing.. :)
Cheers!!
@ bharat: hehe! no bharat ! it isnt a series..55 fiction is a type of bloggin wer bloggers need to write a fictional story within 55 words only!
@ amit: thnx buddy! glad u liked it..yeah u wer the first one who recognised that onli one word brought bout the twist was "she":)
cheerz!:)
@ ums: grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! as a matter of fact..i admit it is difficult!
hehe:p
Nice one Divsi. Expecting more.. I'll also try this 55 thing :)
Cheers
Randeep
Nice. As soin said, she shouldn't have come back. Or maybe she came back to pick up the axe.
Always wanted to try my hand at 55 fiction. Maybe my next post :D
hey..i felt it was too emotional decision taken by her..
by the way whats the relation beween she and he, like father daugthter, wife usband, brother sister..??
and good attempt to it ..by the way liked the new look ..:) keep writing ,,,
Dear Divsi, Its one of the most compact and effective piece of writing I have ever come across.
Wow! There is a lot of creative excellence which goes behind these 55 words!Kudos to you.
Also you seem to have a flawless taste in photography.Lovely pic again.
On another note thanks for taking the care to inform me about the problems with posting comments. I sorted it out last night itself, would appreciate if you could try again.
Você tem um blog muito interessante.
Greetings from a criatividade ea imaginação das fotos Jose Ramon
I liked this header pic very much...is it taken by you?
@ randeep: thnx man!:) do try it..itz fun!:D
cheers!
@ shaun: hehe! exactly! she came for the axe this tym:P waitin to read yrs...:)
@ pramoda: thnx dear:) the new lokk is courtesy the header pic:) glad u liked it!!
n ya the story depicts domestic violence.. she is the wife n he is her husband..
kip visitin.tc:)
@ pallavi: thankeww so much gal!!:))
m all smiles afta readin ya comment!:))**take a hug**
hehe..n thnx for likin and appreciatin the header pic too:)
will get bac to yr space...guess it was due to yr template change..was it?
kip visitin..cheerz:))
@ jose:
je ne parlez espagnol:( je parle francias!
merci beaucoup pour votre comment!:) tu est gracious!:)
regds,
divsi
@ mahesh:u liked it!! yay!! :D
yesss!!! me clicked it!! at a village near delhi:)
have put up an album on facebook with portrait captures..hav a look:)
Arrey good one... one I understand atleast... ;)
Ok...i saw u doing something over facebook... got so many updates there :P
My new URL
http://photographs-india.blogspot.com/
pls note
Now the story.
55 fiction!! thanks for telling. i did not know this.
Ok..now my comments
Since it is short very short.. you should not repeat perhaps.. and sply the climax senbtence..'it is your last mistake'...
It took away the punch
It cld have been like this say
She whimpered in pain "Pls do not beat me" ..Angry, towering up over the limp woman.. He shouted.. "why did you go without my permission?' His voice thundered and filled the silence of the night.. echoing again and again as if a demon has rised from hell. "My first mistake.. I will not do it again" she cried..
Whoosh!! Splat!! Blood spew all over.. bones shattered...the axe in his hand swung "Your last"
Little more Punch?
What ?
Of course I am not even a writer!! your story is Good because it has a Good Idea.. a story to tell.. brings out some pain and tragedy and frailty of women in married life.. wives..
:-))
OMG!! OMG!! OMG!!!
I absolutely LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUED it lahday!!!!!!!!
I mean kya mast wala twist dia tune re!!! Ek baar ko tto meko laga ki tune isspelling mishtake kar di hai!! It was only half a second later that I realised ohhh!! What a dork I'm! he he
BRILLIANT first attempt! First attempt aisa hai tto I wonder what to expect from you in the future. :P
And and and in love with the header pic. It's as good as the earlier one, which I think I have told you earlier is one of teh best I have seen thus far. :)
*Katha khatam* :D
Cheers
What a different way :)
Balaji Temple Replica in Pune
My take on this is that there are three people in this flash fiction. Let's see if I can make a story! The husband beat his wife for stepping outside the house without his permission. This was quite usual in that household. But today the limits had been stretched and the daughter not able to tolerate the violence finally put an end to it all! How does that sound?
So even you have been smitten by 55 Fiction now!!!
A nice one and a wonderful attempt. The end was predictable and I was waiting for a twist!!
The header pic is really heartfelt.
@ akansha: hehe! Thnx gal :) Tc my ciggy wiggy! lol:p
@ shantanu: thnx for writing that.. Daroing me in d middle of the nite!
Yeah I know my way of writing tuk away the punch:( first attempt na..I l try to get Betta next tym :):) but yrs was bout the lady gettin killed rite? I dint want that u kno:p
@ isha: thnkewwwww sooooooo much ish! Take a hug for those diler comments gulabo:D
I've read ya comment twice n still laughing bout the spelling mistake thingiee:p hehehe! * imagining u rubbing ya eyes infront of the comp* lol
Yeah I rememba wat u said bout the previous one ( tareef bhala kaun bhulta hai:p ) dint want to change but it was ages since I changed it ! Sooooooo glad u liked this one too:) its shot on the outskirts of dilli:D
Tc n hugs,
Divsi
@ bhavesh: welcome to my blog! Thnx for the comment:) hope to cya around!
@ vitthal: that was so wowwww man! Awesum :) lookin fwd to yr 55 fictions.. M sure they ll be very pithy n crisp!
Cheerz!
@ amrit: Heya welcome back to my space:) glad u c u back! settled in the us? Howsit goin?:)
55 fictions are real exciting ya u can sway the story however u want!:p
Thnx for the visit n glad u like the header pic:)
Tc! :)
first of all thanks for introducing me to 55 fiction:)...Like i told u, u r a very talented person and that was a very powerful impact!!! now try a humorous one please;)
Hi divsi
I am not at all a fan of 55 Fiction.
But I also believe it is the hardest to write. For a first attempt, u have done very well.
I like the header pic of your blog.
great header pic...why don't u consider taking up photography full time? ;)
It was a good one, a solid ending. But did not understand why Mahesh did not get any twist:(?
Twist to tha na at the end :)
@ polly: thankoooooooo sweetheart:) glad u liked it:)
yup!:) shall try the humourous one too:)
p.s: u were the first to hear this on the fone:))
@ harsha: yeah buddy..it aint easy:p
glad u read this one n liked it:)
thankzzz!:)
n yeah thnx for appreciatin the header pic too:)
kip visitin!
cheerz!:)
@ prince: thankooo dearie!:) hmm..u think so?:))
i m seriusly thinkin now:)
@ mustaf: thanx so much!:) n yeah thanx to u i got to kno wat is 55 fiction...warna main to bekhabar hi rehti:P:P
cheerz.tc
That was cool! Mast twist in the end! Loved it:)
great venture and you have succeeded in your attempt...
keep on entertaining us !
cheers!!!
-pRiYaN..!
Post a Comment